pseudomastic

Nameberry recently featured this post about X names, which set me to thinking about my own favourites. It seems almost childish to say that X names seem ‘cool’, but let’s put down our grown-up spoons and come out with it: they are cool. Every kid wants a name with an X in it. Why do you think I loved Xena: Warrior Princess so much?

Names beginning with X are the ultimate, really, since you get the X initial - but then again, I’ve always found it rather jarring, as though someone’s made it up. ‘XL? What does that stand for, Ximenes the Liar?’ There’s names aplenty with all variety of x placements, from the obnoxious to the subtle.

Persian Princes

Marx

My friend was once in a band called Marx In A Band, but it only occurred to me that Marx makes a nice first name as I was writing the title of this post. The name Mark/Marc holds absolutely zero appeal for me, so Marx is a nice update. We’re all commies here.

Xerxes

This is one of the obnoxious ones, but who doesn’t want a Persian Prince for a son?

Pheonix

River Pheonix. River Pheonix. River Pheonix. I am in LOVE.

Dexter

Dexter’s Lab. Dexy’s Midnight Runners. Dexter, the serial killer. All good associations, people.

Axel

No child called Axel could ever end up anything but excellent. Try Alan or Alistair or Alexander for something less, like, totally metal.

Warrior Princesses

Asterix

Yes, I know, Asterix and Obelix, blah blah blah. Down your associations and just appreciate the name for a bit. It’s everything I love in Aster and Astrid, but MORE.

Alexia

I beg you, call your child Alexia and dress her in togas until she’s old enough to take you on Jeremy Kyle for it. Try Alexa or Alexandria or Alessia for something similar.

Lux

I spoke about Lux in my Virgin Suicides vs Pride and Prejudice post and in my Christmas names post - it is just perfect. If I popped out a baby girl into my toilet pan tomorrow, Lux would be the first of her many, many middle names. It’s so short yet it’s romantic, and it’s also got that X and the suicide edge to toughen it up. Liux and Liu are similar.

Valentix [val-en-TEE]

A new way to toughen up the luxuriant Valentina. When people can’t pronounce it, just tell them it’s like the Gran Prix.

Calixta

This means ‘the most beautiful’, but the thing I like most about Calixta is how wrong it looks. The x seems sort of awkwardly out of place, but in a good way, like Michael Cera. Try Calista (Flockhart, a surname so perfect it sounds made-up) or Calla if you’re not feeling brave.

Beatrix

Inestimably lovelier than dowdy sister Beatrice, this is the ultimate old lady name with punch. Beatrice smells of pee and talcum powder; Beatrix pees on men for money and talcs up her nose… with COCAINE. I know which one I’d rather have for a daughter, and I’m betting you do too.

Xena

WARRIOR PRINCESS.

Tarantino’s films are a wealth of excellent names, and none more so than the classic Pulp Fiction. The director himself bears the glorious Quentin, which is the perfect mix of Famous Five chic and edgy foot-fetishist director vogue. Can you really ask for more? Really? Oh. Here you go then:

Jules

Similar to Julian, Jude, Judas and JUDAH JUDE-AH-AH, JUDAH JUDE-AH-AH. I double dare you motherfucker, call your kid this.

Wolfe

This was the surname of ‘The Wolf’, naturally, but I have an affection for it as a given name too. It fits in quite nicely with Rex and Bear and Hunter. Perhaps best left to the middle spot.

Mia

This can be short for a whole host of lovely appellations such as Amelia, Maria and Miette. You might also like Gia or Dia or Lila or any of the zillion other names that rhyme.

Fabienne

Apparently, I once told my friend while drunk that she had a pot belly - but it was okay because pot bellies were sexy, and that she should buy a t-shirt two sizes too small to accentuate it. I got a slap, and rightfully so; you need a slap too if you call your kid this when the beautiful Adrienne is RIGHT THERE WAITING FOR YOU.

Zed

He may be dead, but his name is a KILLER OHOHOHO DO YOU GET IT DO YOU SEE I THINK YOU DO OKAY I’LL STOP. I like this as a nickname for Zachary or Zavier (as in the pronunciation of the letter Z - is it just Scotland that pronounces zee like zed?) Steer clear of the weird biblical Zededekielariah or whatever. Zed is taking Ted, Ned and Ed to its logical conclusion.

Esmerelda

I LOVE THIS NAME. Esme is a cute short form, as is Essie or Emmie or Esma or Merry or… Elda? 

The Gimp

Maybe not.

Violet is currently big news in the naming world. Peronally I associate it more with Baudelaire than Beauregarde - it’s quietly refined, like earl grey tea or Stephen Fry’s slippers. 

However, I’ve seen many parents complain that while one partner loves Violet, the other thinks it looks too much like ‘violent’. I’d love to call bullshit, but it is only one letter away and it does kind of sound the same when said out loud and I can see their point even though I don’t want to. If I loved the name it wouldn’t put me off, but here are some similar names which hopefully sound more ‘gentle peck’ than ‘Glasgow kiss’ for all of you who are on the fence:

Viola

This has to be my favourite Viol- name. The pronunciation of the first syllable is changed from ‘vi’ to ‘vee’, taking it even further from the stabby associations. Even better, Vee/V is a much cuter nickname Vi. Viole and Fiore and Flora are similar.

Iolanthe

Okay, I recognise this is a bit far from Violet but it’s a Greek variation of Violanthe, which even I concede would probably be too violenty for me to use. It’s pronounced more like Yolanda than Violet, as [yo-lan-thuh], but if I were using it I’d make people pronounce it [yo-lan-theh]. Let’s face it, it’s uncommon enough that no one’s going to correct you.

Iola

Lovely as a nickname for Iolanthe or as a stand-alone name. Try Isla too, but personally I think that loses some of the elegance of Violet.

Vivien

The more common spelling is Vivienne, of course, but I prefer this pared down version. V. classy. V. chic. V. French.

Valentine

Less romantic than Valentina (and you wont need to worry about anyone calling her Tina). USE THIS NAME OH PRETTY PLEASE. Unless your last name is McGee.

Genevieve

You like a name with V in it. This name, too, has V in it.

This naming malarky is too easy.

Let’s face the facts, people: the standard nicknaming procedure is pretty boring. It’s basically just 1) Take the first syllable. 2) Use as name. Thus, David becomes Dave, Kimberley becomes Kim, and Adastreiadora becomes… well, ‘A’ if we’re being technical about the first syllable thing, but since no one is ever called Adastreiadora I expect it’s a moot point.

What’s NOT a moot point is that this method of nicknaming is extraordinarily dull. Fresh nicknames can be found simply by LOOKING AT THE LAST HALF OF THE NAME O0O0O0O0O0O0O00OH.

I still remember the day I realised that Drew was actually short for Andrew (mindfuck extraordinaire); a brave new word of nicknaming potential was opened to me. However, Drew is often considered a separate name, and Andrews generally go by Andy if a nickname is required. I started trying to think of other examples - there’s Xander for Alexander, but that pales into insignificance compared to the omnipresent Alex and was only introduced in the first place by Buffy (LOVE YOU BUFFY XOXO). Beth for Elizabeth and Liam for William are probably the most commonly accepted examples, but again they’re both often names on their own.

And so, I present to you: THE PSEUDOMASTIC NAMETASTIC NICKNAMEATOR NIMBUS 2011 OR WHATEVER I GOT CARRIED AWAY OKAY GO

Ren ~ Lauren

Rio ~ Maria

Milla ~ Camilla

Bert ~ Albert

Dia ~ India

Dora - Isadora

Tippy ~ Xanthippe

Rory ~ Aurora

Ettie ~ Juliette

Vive ~ Genevieve

Asia ~ Therasia

Thea ~ Dorothea, Althea 

Enne ~ Vivienne (think Emme)

At this point I’m fairly sure some variant of Thea/Tea is going to be on every single list I make. Learn to love it.

I’m fairly sure that everyone, at some point, has had a song stuck in their head. The pithy Germans even have a word for it: ‘ohrworm’ (or something). I’d have used that as the title of this feature instead of the clumsy abbreviation of Stuck In My Head, but it’s a really ugly word. Seriously. Anyway, this is about names, not songs - tell me I’m not the only one who gets this?

In my Higher Spanish class, we’re writing an essay on a short story called ‘La Lengua de las Mariposas’ - the language of the butterflies. There’s not a characted called Mariposa in it (the protagonist is a little boy called Moncho, almost universally known to us as Muncho). But why not? With names like Marianne and Marina and Mariluz and Rosa out there, why not Mariposa? I’m not usually a lover of ‘cute’ except like, kittens and stuff (MY HEART IS NOT STONE YOU KNOW) but seriously - Posy. Cutest. Nickname. Ever.

Look, I’m not saying I’m going to call my future child Mariposa. I’m not even saying you should call your future child Mariposa. I just want to know that someone, somewhere, has it on their list. Is that so much to ask? Is it, Santa?

Anyway, I hope you all feel suitably enriched with the joys of Mariposian possibility. I still can’t bring myself to write that fucking essay.

Oh, judge me if you will: I have about eleven name blogs I check daily. No shame, people. Normally I stick my finds into an expertly organised word document, but today’s been a good day for names so I’ll share them with you instead, you lucky buggers.

From Nameberry: Idalina

I first really considered the name Ida when that excruciatingly catchy song by Ida Maria came out. This might be the reason why I think Ida works so well as the first half of a double-barrelled name: Ida Valentina, Ida Marina, Ida Elise. Idalina is in a similar vein - and in the age of Isabella, it’s nicely unexpected yet familiar enough to not make your gran choke on her tea biscuit. Similar names are Irena and Idela and Idaris and Idarisia.

Boheme

Okay, so I’ve had Boheme (and Bohemia) on my list even before that blogger lady called her kid this. It was referenced in the Nameberry Nine this week and I couldn’t resist putting it in here. The nickname Bo is ADORABLE.

From Eponymia: Sovay 

I find myself rather liking this. I can’t stand Sophie (truly, I hate it); I find Sophia quite nice, but Sovay is another creature entirely. I would not mind being named after the admittedly unhinged Sovay of the folk song one bit. Silvia and Sylvie are similar.

Vivica

It’s a variant of the Swedish name Viveka (which I actually like more), but to my ears it sounds like a cross between Vivian and Annika (and puts me in mind of Annecy, which I will discuss later.)

From British Baby Names: Avior and Lior 

Ignore that Lior looks like Liar and it really is a perfectly wonderful name. Avior is something like a feminisation of Xavier, and its similar to Aviana and Aviane AND Ariane and the terribly popular Ava. Nicknames! Avi and Lio! OR VIO AND LIO BE STILL MY BEATING HEART. THESE ARE SO USABLE AND YOU SHOULD USE THEM. NOW.

Or maybe I’ve just been reading too much LOTR.

From Mer de Noms: Rudy

So this name is really in my mind because in Season 3 of Misfits, Nathan is replaced by Rudy. At first I was deeply suspicious both of my beautiful Nathan’s replacement and of his terrible name, but I’ve come to love both. It’s like Ruby, but for boys! It sounds all rosy-cheeked and glowy! You can tell your child that he was Rudolph the Reindeer in a past life! With Rudy, the fun never ends.

The Bennet sisters of Pride and Prejudice and the Lisbon sisters of The Virgin Suicides both presented their respective parents with a glorious naming opportunity: five girls. On the whole I prefer the Lisbon sisters (Lux! LUX FOR GOD’S SAKES), but I’m naming my first girl after Elizabeth Bennet so~

The Bennets: Jane, Elizabeth, Mary, Kitty and Lydia

I’ve already spoken about Elizabeth at length. The nicknames are endless, but Eliza, Lizzy, Lise, Bette and Bess are my favourites. I don’t care how popular this name is, IT IS MINE.

Jane is a tad plain for me. Try the polish variation, Zana, or better yet: Austen.

Mary is one of those lovely names ruined by the old lady image. It begins with the same three letters I love in Marlena and Marina and Marilyn and Mara, and when I separate it from the associations I do love it, I do - and yet, it’s still too old ladyish for me. More pee-smell and orthopaedic slippers than victory rolls and Jailhouse Rock.

Kitty I love. I’m not a fan of Kathryn or any of its variants, but Kitty and Kit are some of the very few K names I like. This is making me want Kit Kats.

Lydia just screams spoilt English brat to me, probably because Lydia Bennet is a spoilt English brat. Never ever ever. Lidie is nice, Livia is nicer.

Honourable mention: Darcy, naturally. Just hope young Darcy inherits her namesake’s penchant for skintight trousers.

The Lisbons: Therese, Mary, Bonnie, Lux and Cecilia

Lux. LUX. LUX LUX LUX LUX LUX. She is undoubtedly the most interesting and vivacious Lisbon sister, and fucks many interesting men at the tender age of 14 before killing herself. (I really must stop naming my future children after sexual deviants.)

Therese is alright; Therasia (the Greek root of the name) is nicer and comes with the nickname Asia all ready to go and lovely. Thera, Tessia, and Renia are all delightful variants.

Bonnie is sex maestro John Gray’s wife, and as such is revered as the most satisfied woman on this earth. Bonnie and Clyde gives this a criminal edge that’s rather pleasing, but sadly all Bonnie’s variations end up sounding like bunion.

Cecilia is so charming I can hardly stand it; Celia is equally so. Try Celine, Celie and Cicely too. I have one reservation: this is perhaps the only name I’d never use because of its meaning, ‘the blind one’. We Need To Talk About Kevin has probably contributed to this a good deal - I’m just saying, keep young Celia away from the bleach. Far away.

One of my favourite games (read: sad pastimes) is to take a name I love and find as many elaborations or variations of it as I can by changing, adding or taking away a couple of letters. It’s the most fun in the shower. Don’t question it.

As I bathed this fine eve I pondered Aristo. My favourites:

Aristo

Aristeo

Aristos

Ariste

Arien

Aris

Aristea (for a girl, of course, plus it shortens to Tea - have I found my perfect name?)

I’ve been thinking about the name Leo a good deal recently. Everywhere I see his virtues being extolled - he’s a ‘stylish pick’ and a ‘modern classic’. This set me wondering: do the other star signs work just as well? Aries seems promising; Cancer not so much. Let’s start at the best and work our way down.

Aries

Favouritism at work here, people. I am a proud Aries and as a child believed I could communicate telepathically with rams. I’ve moved on from those days, but the affection remains; Aries works wonderfully for a boy, alongside names like Ares and Arran and Adrian. I also think it’s nice on a girl, similar to Ariel (which also used to be a boys’ name). Surprisingly, the thought of twins named Leo and Aries doesn’t make me want to spork myself in the eye - I’m going soft in my old age. Mars and Mar and Mara are all related, as Mars is the ruling planet of Aries.

Virgo

This seems, on one hand, like a modern update of Virginia. On the other, it retains the oh-so-angelic first four letters of virgin, which is probably the reason for Virginia’s decline. The hard ‘g’ sounds lessens this when it’s said out loud though. Usable? Perhaps. In the past minute or so of writing this, I’ve come to like it. Nice for a boy too - Virgo sits quite nicely with Hugo and Arlo and Leo. 

Taurus

This feels oddly familiar to me. Possibly because I’ve just been reading about the name Torrence, possibly because it seems to fit with other name nerd picks like Atticus and Oceanus. Taur, Taury and Rus all seem like perfectly acceptable nicknames.

Pisces

Great for water births! This reminds me of the erstwhile protagonist of one of my favourite books, Life of Pi. Pi named himself thusly after his full name, Piscine, earned him the nickname Pissing. If you’re not a big fan of urine, you might also try Pierre or Swistle’s latest love, Pascal.

Gemini

I can see how the nickname of Gem might appeal, and I do infinitely prefer Gemini to Gemma (urgh), but I’m not a fan. You might try Geneva or Genevieve or Georgia or even Jemima (Gemima? Makes me want to pronounce it jem-ee-ma) instead.

Aquarius

I’ve heard of Aqua being used as a name before, but it’s a bit on the Barbie Girl side. I suppose since I found Taurus acceptable and justified it with Oceanus, I should do the same for Aquarius’s more obvious connection with Oceanus, but who said name lovers were logical? We’re a fickle bunch.

Libra

Technically this one should seem most like a namey name since it’s so similar to Lyra and Lila and Laura etc, but it’s not doing it for me. Libby could be a nice nickname; personally I’d go by Bra.

Scorpio

This reminds me of Draco Malfoy’s little boy Scorpius - trying too hard. It’s like calling your son Satanio Dark’ness Murderface the Third, but a far less interesting. I suppose you could always call him Cory for short.

Sagittarius, Capricorn

Saggy, Corny. Nope.

Cancer

Seriously?

Since we are officially 33 minutes into December and I am still without an advent calendar, I’m getting into the Christmas mood by writing about my favourite festive names. This post can also serve as a distraction from homicidal thoughts; I WANT POOR QUALITY CHOCOLATE IN A DELICIOUSLY TACKY CHRISTMAS SHAPE AND I WANT TO HAVE IT NOW.

Alas, life goes on:

Noelle

Only good because of Wheatus. Any child with this name will surely plop from the womb a fully-formed, Keds-wearing teen - what more could you want after a 36 hour labour? Nora and Nola and Eleanor are similar; Elle could be a nickname.

Merry

I’ve seen it as a girl’s middle name and a male hobbit’s first. Try Mairi or Merle or Merope for something similar.

PS. Call her twin Pippin. Do it. I dare you.

Ivy

The Holly might wear the crown or whatever, but Ivy was definitely the winner in the appellation stakes. Try not to think of Cliff Richard (wait, his name is Cliff. Cliff. Cliff? Really?)

Christian

The French spelling Christien is lovely too. While the heavy religious overtones aren’t for everyone, unless your last name is Pope you’ll never come close to the overbearing Catholicism of the recently born Roman Bishop. Not kidding. In less alarming news, Christian is one of my Gay Triplets dream team; the others are Julian and Sebastian. ONE DAY I WILL HAVE GAY SONS. ONE DAY.

Ester

It means star - Christmassy enough. You might like Esther, Este, Esta and Aster, too.

Lux

It means light, and is also the name of the best Virgin Suicide sister (ie the slutty one).

Eva or Eve

You do not need this explained to you. Go to sleep.